Ask any parents if they remember the day they put their child on the school bus for the first time and, more likely than not, their eyes will grow misty and wide - the memory is etched indelibly in their hearts.
Many emotional factors are at play on this day, making it one that is hard to forget. So if you find yourself in a state in the weeks leading up to this event, don’t be surprised.
Contradictory Emotions on Your Child's First Day of Kindergarten
There are legitimate reasons why putting one’s child on the school bus for the first time is so hard. For one thing, it causes parents to experience opposite and contradictory emotions, all at the same time. This is not a comfortable emotional state, but it is normal and it does pass.
Parents may feel excited to see their child growing and thriving, yet regretful that the baby days are over. They may feel joyous at the prospect of alone time. They may relish the idea of making appointments and doing things by themselves without having to arrange for a sitter. Or they may look forward to spending time alone with the younger child. At the same time, they may feel horribly guilty for feeling this way.
The worst thing to do is judge yourself for the way that you are feeling. It is perfectly normal to look forward to getting some space from people you love. Let the emotions be. Judge yourself on what you do, not what you feel.
Parental Anxiety About Letting Go
It can be hard for parents to imagine putting their young child on the school bus and sending her off into the care of others, especially if they have not used daycare facilities in the past. The fierce protective instinct of new parents is nurtured and reinforced, practically from the day they conceive. Then, on the first day of kindergarten the rules have suddenly changed. You are expected to throw all that caution out the window and drop her onto a bus to fend for herself. This is an enormous change in behavior that you are being asked to make all in one day, and in one moment. It may feel strange, or wrong, even.
Listening to the seasoned parents can be an odd experience when you are going through this. They have already made the transition and gotten comfortable with the way it all, somehow works. It may be hard to imagine that you will ever feel like that. Take it on faith that you will.
When children are excited about riding the bus it makes it much easier for the anxious parent. Of course it's obvious that parents must reaffirm for their children that riding the bus will be fun, and never show them your fear. But if you need to, you can lock yourself in your room and cry or throw up, just don’t do it in front of them. Truly, don’t feel silly if you are having a strong reaction to all this, it is normal.
Parent's Second Thoughts About Kindergarten
Remember that the school bus is really a metaphor for the wider world that your child is now being exposed to. Over your children's lives there are many stages of letting go and sending them off into the world. The school bus, for many parents, is the first big one, and it is bound to be difficult.
But if your feelings are persistent and nagging or even disrupting your ability function, there may be something else going on. Some people would rather be educating their children themselves, and more and more people are now homeschooling their children. Is it possible that you’d really like to take this step yourself, but have not made the leap?
It is also possible that you are not comfortable with the school that you have chosen. Have you done your homework? Do you believe your child can succeed at the target school? If not why not?
While it’s important to honor your instincts, pulling the plug at a late date might undermine your child’s confidence about riding the bus and attending school. Remember that one year of kindergarten is not a lifelong commitment set in stone. If you have specific concerns about the arrangements, can you monitor it closely to assure a relatively smooth year and make other plans for the future, instead of pulling the plug? Talk with school personnel to assuage your fears.
Perhaps your emotions are not about your child, but about your own experience. Did you encounter trauma in school or riding the bus? It can all come flooding back at this time. Talk to a trusted confidant or a therapist.
At the School Bus Stop for the First Time
When the big yellow behemoth finally pulls up, placing your child on it may go against every fiber of your protective being. There is pressure to let go because traffic will be building up behind the bus. You will meet the driver and exchange a few brief words, but time is of the essence. Your child is swooped up, along with the leaves in the whirlwind of the bus exhaust as you watch her disappear from sight.
More conflicted feelings will, no doubt, follow. Your mental monologue may go something like this: “Yahoo, I’m free! I can go to the bathroom without being interrupted…Woo hoo! I can do whatever I want! Wait… for five years all I’ve been doing is taking care of this child and putting aside what I want. What on earth do I want? Do I even want anything?”
The school bus also signals an end to the early years. The contradictory feelings of sadness and satisfaction can surely coexist at this moment. You may feel proud and happy that you made it through this significant time. But then the doubts come flooding in. "Did I get it right? Did I enjoy it enough? Was I a good enough Mom? “ The ending of the baby years seems so final at the bus stop. You may think of all the things you never got the chance to do or didn’t do perfectly. You may find your inner self screaming for a do-over.
Don’t panic. The fact that your child is off on the bus to kindergarten and you are stressing about whether you were a good enough parent is a sure sign that you are a good enough parent. Let it go. Let yourself mourn this ending of a chapter. More great things are still to come. Your child is still young. You will have time to do what you need to do with her.
Following the Bus to School
There is a technique for helping children who are extremely anxious about riding the bus be more comfortable with it, but I like the idea of anxious parents using this technique to comfort themselves. If the child is too scared to ride the bus, the parent can follow the bus, and let the child know that she will be in the car right behind the bus all the way to school. (Make sure that you have the bus route with you just in case it gets a head start on you and you lose it.)
This should make an anxious child feel better. Do this for a day or two if necessary, then taper off. It’s important to ultimately stop, otherwise you could inadvertently send a signal to your child that there is something unsafe about riding the bus. If your child continues to be overly anxious, see if you can enlist the school psychologist or teacher to help.
In the case of the anxious parent, it can be fun to team up with other parents who share your feelings and follow the bus to school to calm your own anxiety. There’s no need to mention it to the children, but if they do notice, just let them know you are doing it for fun, so you can see how their day starts. Following the bus can be an emotional experience that you will remember and reminisce with other parents about forever.
No doubt you’ll laugh at yourself while doing it. You remember how annoying it always was to get stuck behind a school bus when you were on your way to work or late for an appointment? But on the first day of Kindergarten, many parents will find themselves tearing up and down the roads actually trying to get behind that school bus, wanting nothing more than to stay there, sucking in the foul exhaust, driving at a snail’s pace with one foot on the brake and then hanging around like starstruck groupies to get a glimpse of their children filing off the bus into school.
If you find yourself chasing the bus again after day one, you might start to panic. "What now? Am I stuck? Am I afraid to get on with life? Will I live in the shadow of my child’s life forever, always a mother, with nothing to fill that space with even after she's grown and gone?" Isn’t this really part of what school bus anxiety is about, anyway?
Don’t sweat it. Live in the shadow of your child today. Savor the moment and let the feelings come, go through you and pass. Be gentle with yourself today – this week even. You are experiencing an ending and a beginning, a loss and a new chapter. You must grieve and celebrate - there are those contradictory emotions again - before you move on. And as for moving on, you don’t have to do that today. Tomorrow will come, have faith in it. You and your child are right where you should be.
Lisa C. DeLuca - Lisa C. DeLuca is a psychotherapist/social worker who works with families and teens. She also treats panic and anxiety disorders.
